*Thinking...

It's been a month now...hasn't it? Guess it's been a little longer since I've last used this blog.

Ironically, I haven't been writing because I felt bad but also because I felt fine and had nothing to write about.

I don't write unless there's a message worth sharing.

It's just that today I felt a little smaller than I already felt. Sort of the feeling of no matter what I do, the result is still the same...sort of thing. If I tried, the end is bad. If I didn't try, the end is even worse. Is it fate? I can't win against fate, can I? No...no...it's impossible.

But eh...The beginning of this week was the end of last week. It hit me that I needed to do something otherwise I would fail chemistry. I don't want to fail...and yet I still did. The studying...the staying up late at night. My parents didn't like that I stayed up either. My parents don't like that I'm failing chemistry. I can't complete the studying within the set amount of time. Do I just stop and go to sleep? Or do I keep going in order to prepare for chemistry?

Sometimes I feel like I create traps for myself. I do one thing, set one consequence for it. Do another thing, there's another consequence. Or perhaps I just follow the saying, "There's a consequence to everything."

So I guess I screwed up today. I just wanted to explain why I've been feeling sort of down and out of it lately. I don't like feeling like I'm not myself...but really, who am I? I don't like knowing that some people are unsatisfied either. My parents aren't satisfied with my grades. My brother is unsatisfied with his lack of company to play games with. My friends are unsatisfied that I'm not as smart as I used to be. Girlfriend isn't satisfied with the lack of attention. So I feel small and insignificant.

Can't I do anything right? Can't I satisfy someone? Why do I have to feel so small? What am I even here for? I don't have a purpose. I just do what I'm told. A puppet.

Why am I crying? I guess I'm just self pitying. I tend to get like this when I try to do things my way. It's never my way is it?...I can't even say I dislike something or don't want someone to do "that". In the end...it doesn't matter. They still do it. I have no impact. Why do I try?

Why doesn't anybody listen? Why do people say things I don't like? Why do I have to be so defensive regarding people that aren't me?

Is it wrong to protect my family? Is it wrong to say I don't want you to die?

I can't do anything right I guess. Can't get straight A's. Can't say "no" to my parents. Can't even give my bro the playmate he wants. Can't even give my girlfriend the attention and kind words she wants. Can't make anyone happy.

I don't give enough. I guess that makes me even more useless.

What do I even have to offer...? My life makes no sense...

But I've continued living up to now...But only because I try to do what I'm told.

Perhaps my purpose is to just be ordered around like some dog. Or perhaps, in a lighter perspective, my purpose is to finally be able to do something I'm told...

Tell me to jump a cliff...I can't do it.
Tell me to do your homework...I can't do it.
Tell me to draw you something nice...I can't do it.

All a matter of "I can't". It's all in my head...and yet...I feel so bad.

I'm really useless, aren't I?
But there's always someone else who can do it. Even better than my hopeless endeavors.
Why not ask them? Why ask me? Why me?

I'm not important to anyone.
Never will be.

Ok...so I had left this blog sitting here for a few days without posting anything. Now I'm trying to think of something to post up. I don't remember what I did for the last few days except that I was feeling anxious. Could be my hormones acting up again or could have just been that one dream...that I don't feel like talking about again. Not a fan of realistic nightmares.

I kinda just want to not dream or not remember my dreams. I feel neutral and that way I remain the same without having a biased thought of things or people.

That aside, it was raining pretty hard here. I don't like the rain. I enjoy seeing the sun and the clear blue sky. I don't necessarily want it to be hot, but I prefer warm weather over cold...though nice thing about cold weather is being able to snuggle up in bed and drink hot cocoa. That's always fun.

I don't need to talk about that certain topic however. It's spring! Should talk about spring stuff. I was walking around Costco and saw some chocolate Easter eggs. Hm...I think they're too sweet to eat but if I were to eat them, I'd feel sorta bad since it'd be like I was eating Bunny eggs or something...even though chicks come out of eggs. Hahaha. But why the heck does a rabbit give out eggs? Does St. Peter steal eggs from a chicken farm or what?

I'll never know...and I don't get how St. Peter is a bunny and what it has to do with the religious holiday aspect. >>; But eh...I get a week off for that. Yay.

That's pretty much all I got for now. Don't think any of you are interested in MapleStory.

Yesterday was White day!!....A day in which the males return chocolate to the females. LMFAO. I was studying for Japanese class and Jong-san came along. I asked him, "What's in the bag? A bowl....RAMEN?" He shook his head and opened the bag, to reveal that it was a bowl of homemade chocolate; more specifically, THEY'RE TRUFFLES. At first I was a little skeptical of its appearance but none the less, he offered them to to the girl next to me. I took one too. HAHAHA. *SHOT. Quite delicious if you ask me...=w=b

So that was White Day.

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Glee...I shall marathon Glee as soon as I get my hands on it. LOL.

Was rewatching FLCL. They mentioned curry bread. I want to try one...though I don't know where to get one. Haha. Maybe I'll make my own. I've been wanting curry for a while. Japanese curry...I could eat it forever. =w=

That aside, I'm tired. Nothing new happened today. It was just a typical and usual day...except that I continued playing Okami. Haha. A nice distraction. I hate that I go naked when I run out of ink. D;

What are the popular animes nowadays?

You know, every Tuesday morning I drop my brother off to school since I don't have school. We pass by this place called Del Tacos. They have tacos for 49 cents!! LOL. So I've been craving for these 49 cent tacos for a while but alas, do not get any for my parents don't want to eat Mexican food. Haha. Del Taco isn't even authentic Mexican food. It's Americanized! I don't mind that. Sometimes I like the Americanized taste; it's more modest.

After dropping off my bro, went back home to watch a movie. I decided to rewatch Tangled. The first time I watched it, I didn't like it or think it was anything special like everyone else seemed to think. I thought it was just the idea that it was a cheesy kids' movie with a princess in it but heck, I'm ok with those once in a while...just this one didn't do it for me the first time around.

So...I watched it again and liked it much more. The jokes were funny. I couldn't help but smile at Maximus. Flynn was my favorite character. He's so conceited...in a good way. Haha. I must say...I like Rapunzel more as a brunette than a blondie. I think it suits her character more but that could just be me. I also think short hair is nicer. Again, that could just be me. THOUGH...long hair on other characters seem better...like her mom. ALSKA What am I rambling about??...

Bro was ready for pick up. Did that. Got a haircut. Haha. I think my hair is shorter than my guy classmate's. Hair's barely touching my jawline. Can you do that?

That's pretty much my day...so far. Going to continue watching The Last Samurai. One of my favorite movies. I like movies dealing with honor, war, beauty and action. I guess most Chinese/Japanese historical war films have those. Haha. I like those movies best...I'll be so moved by it that my eyes will start to water. I'm weird. Sorry.

QUESTION...will I get my 49-cent tacos today??...I hope so. Maybe later when it's dinner time.

Doing homework last minute. Haven't been into it for the past week now. I need to find my focus again. I'm getting too distracted and caught up with...other things.

Was on break when a mob of people marched through the library yelling and chanting about fees and wanting them lower. Was a strike of some sort. I think it's an ok thing that they're on strike about something that should be made right. I mean...school is getting pretty expensive.;;;

Though the protesting around school doesn't really do anything. Every student must have noticed it but at the same time it's not like us students can do anything about the fees. Only the treasury and government can do something about it.

Was entertaining for the time being though.

I feel very calm right now. It's almost as if I don't give a shit about the world around me. I go to school. It seems to be my new happy place despite that I have no friends. I do what I'm told and that's it. Life is very simple. No complications.

Today's a new day...Though I was falling asleep in my Biology class. Friend of mind kept elbowing me, attempting to keep me awake but I just couldn't do it. Plus...the lecture wasn't something new to me. I already knew about prokaryotes and eukaryotes. Had learned those in my biology lab class. My friend told me that the professor was staring at me or kept looking at me while he was speaking. Oops.

Got my midterm for that class back today too. I didn't study and I still got a B. I feel accomplished. =w=b

I don't have school on Fridays...which means I have the long 3-day weekend. What do I do in that time? I don't know. Just anything really.

I still feel absentminded. Must be the weather. I don't think straight when it's cloudy or rainy...in fact I feel distressed and worried about something. I have the thought that bad things happen on those sorts of days...

That aside, I dissected worms, a squid, and a mussel today. Was interesting to poke at the worms gonads (sex organs) for a while. I got bored again.

I seem to be running out of things to do or maybe I've just become very uninterested in everything.

No friends to hang out with really. They have school and they're busy...or we never hangout unless it's for studying purposes. I'm pretty much just sick of that. I'm fed up with helping everyone in their academics and not receiving any friendship in return. I don't like relationships built on just using each other. I'm unrealistic...seeing as that's how the world seems to work. Sigh. Maybe I'm just lonely. I think I've always been lonely. Haha...

The computer will be my only friend I suppose. Thank you pc for always being there to keep me company.

Ok...I'm wtfing at the moment. AHAHAHA;;;;
Japanese class was fun as usual. Hanging out with the cool peepz and making perverted jokes throughout the hour or so. Was very normal. I missed a response drill though. Missed out on 1 point. =w=;;

ANYWAYS...going back to the purpose of this blog, the creeper is following me. STILL FUCKING FOLLOWING ME. UGH. I ran out the door as soon as I could. He was apparently outside. I purposely walk the other way and see him walking the opposite direction of me, talking to my friend Li. He then fucking turns around and follows me. HOLY SHIT DOOD. I walk faster, heading for the exit, hoping he won't follow anymore. He calls out my name. I turn around and wave (I waved otherwise it'd be too rude and too obvious) as in a good bye. I was not smiling. I didn't say anything. I just kept walking away.

He asks me something. I didn't answer. Just kept walking.

I caught up with my friend Li. She was saying that he was following me. I responded that I knew. She told me that while the creeper was talking to her, he only said "Are you tired?" because my friend had yawned. That's all he said. He then just turns around and to approach me. LALSKDJFLAJA;KJ WTF DOOD. GO AWAY. *flail.

So yea...more rants and complaints about creepy guy.